Modern Man - What we did at the end of the World, the first 18 months

Ring a ring a roses, a pocket full of posies, a tishoo, a tishoo, we all fall down….

March 2020 the lockdown commenced

We stayed in. For us we stayed in. We could gripe, could feel sorry for ourselves and the best laid plans lost to lockdown, yet all in all for us and for the masses so far, we stayed in. We stayed home.

Our task an easy one compared to the anguish and loss suffered by many others. As the frontline served and carried out their jobs, bravery, commitment, dedication, no surprise that in the medical field as with any other duty bound service the right people find their way to the caring & demanding profession’s and are ready to enact their training whatever risk this poses to them, fighting through the uncertainty & doubt, fighting FEAR, a motivation exists beyond self and in the absence of this dedication, those not fit to the calling have nowhere to hide. Yet the frontline extends well beyond the obvious roles of prestige and interest, the working frontline of the society of Modern Man, they stepped up to the task despite the unknown risk, the bravery from the generally unseen invisible workers who each day prop up Britain from first responders & care staff to supermarket workers, hospital cleaners and catering staff, food producers, the army of community support volunteers and everyone between. Those who held their nerve and did what this country asked of them, what society needed of them by default of their job roll and despite the fear, despite the unknown risk, kept calm and carried on in the face of adversity whilst the rest of us made our contribution by staying home in quarantine a task no one wanted to do, people initially debating is their roll “essential” until reluctantly realizing it is not and adapting to watching history unfolding from a sideline seat, their task a simple one to stay at home.

In the near future, once the pandemic ends, if we are all still around at that time? Payback must be given to the frontline workforce in many cases the lowest paid contributors & workers of society yet those which society so heavily depends on, payback to the generation of young people abandoned in isolation to save the lives of the established elders of society, payback to everyone who complied and followed the task set for them. Payback by investment, immediate rewards by raising the minimum wage to a meaningful one and in turn respecting people whatever their position in society, giving back by investing in them and their communities, going further by promoting & providing good quality desirable and attainable housing instead of punishing people for being poor, by only viewing people as a hindrance to profitability. Instead including & rewarding people for the service they provide and ensuring pride in their communities and all positions of society, class bias, career snobbery, social injustice finally made just by ensuring wage equality & above all respect. Access to free education and gateways to accessible futures open to anyone without restriction of social, economic or cultural circumstance, resulting in Pride, in ourselves and our fellow human & citizen and the contribution they make for one and all.

Our society so eager to maintain the status quo of the first industrial societies now long consigned to history. The status quo which once again as it has over decades and centuries before now been challenged by just action of the few & then in turn the many, the abolition of slavery, gender equality, legislation of worker rights from working hours and paid leave to health and safety law, establishing our basic human rights, environmental protection laws, some of the key issues addressed in the progression of Modern Man with many injustices to still be corrected. Now in this time of pandemic once more the status quo has been challenged, the lockdown measures have broken the accepted ways of cruel indifference wide apart, the lockdown potentially a catalyst for change for the betterment of humanity by showing us all what can be afforded and achieved if only wanted by the powerful and upper classes then adopted and followed by the many. A truth perhaps only revealed in the action of self-interest, yet revealed still, our leader’s ability to instigate immediate change for the common good is and has always been possible and no surprise humanity willingly supports just action asked of it.

In the first 15 months of lockdown from March 2020 to June 2021 We lived through political decision making seen in its rawest display witnessed with immediate impact as the call was made eventually and reluctantly by the PM to his fellow countryman, he himself answerable to just action engrained in this nations DNA or more cynically motivated by the commanding words of the real leaders of this nation, the hidden hand of power issuing orders in light of the real and unknown threat they faced in the face of Covid 19.

As for the masses of this land as they always have in recent history, when the request is right and just “we” responded with unquestioning obedience to do the right thing and what was asked of us, this time around to protect the NHS by staying in to reduce the spread of virus, to save lives & protect our elderly & vulnerable family members along wider societies elders. Only in witness to immoral action, injustice & perpetuation of the stagnation of human growth do the masses grumble and resist, a path the PM thankfully deviated from his initial approach one of darkness, undoubtedly revealing a glimmer of the mind within the man, eager to lead his fellow citizen & humanity down a path of death and despair to fulfill his own ambitions and political agenda over his short spell in the seat of power. On reflection the only question now to be asked in the coming inquiry destined to drag out for years into the uncertain future is already answered, absent of morality, common sense & preservation of self and nation, our PM is not fit for his most honorable position as the leader and keeper of millions, blind of truth, blind to human suffering, lacking the most important qualities of a democratic world leader; leadership guided by empathy & morality.

The story would twist and turn in this “fast” period of history and instability, close up action happening quicker than the tiresome narrative of regional superiority, the increasingly evident parasitic self-appointed leaders & influencers of our regional places could adapt, they too at this time unprepared and as lost for answers as everyman. This event derailed the illusion of control they often grow fat from by having the jump on trends to come. The day to day hierarchy which disconnects us, which divides us, as we witness shortsighted planning and policy which often reward only the self-interest of a small group of individuals, instead of the intended communal good. In the wake of lockdown for once the narrative skipped, the record needle jumps and connection is re-established between citizen and sovereign, connection once in a generation not known or seen since WW2 the people, the citizens of Britain once more addressed as equals delivered with a message direct from their Government and institutional power, the people and the power, united by common good, all citizens of this land, in recent history growing more polarized by the day, until now, the nation Unified by Virus. The absence of the usual filters, media bias quashed, broken the soft power of industry onto local leaders and employers passed then to the workforce. The grubby direction of self-interest so transparent which chips away the foundations of society smashed by COVID 19 suddenly the actions of each and every citizen matters, the unity and connection of the people of this land once more felt in the heart and soul of all people alike, in our isolation joined by common good, by service and commitment to a task beyond individual comfort & commercial gain, rekindling the meaning of life, humanity, community, nation & nations, goodness not found in the perpetuation of gross profit & comfort but joint effort and unity in the face of adversity, the cost of our failure all too real and perhaps 18 months in the worse still to come?

As history unfolded and continues to do, we first witnessed the pain and anguish of the many infected people and theirs and their families stories of loss, death and suffering in hospitals and care homes around the nation. The long list of fallen frontline workers in the early stages of pandemic later to the battle fatigue of the healthcare team’s lives and sacrifice beyond expectations, from those living in tents outside their work places to the familiar sight of faces indented with PPE indentation scars & the reflection of death at the hands of virus. As GP practices & Dentists close their doors and the NHS is locked tight to streamline the already overwhelmed NHS against the demands of this inevitable pandemic only delaying & causing further deaths and suffering downstream of time, in this period of controlled neglect, already we see neighbours, family and friends dying in unseen frequency unfortunately no doubt with many more to follow.

For the masses, locked in at home day and night other than for the one hour per day outdoor exercise time appointed to us as we take in the narrative broadcast from the safe glow of blue lit HDTV screens illuminated living rooms & faces across the nation with solo Government figures & civil servants revealing their individual & contrasting personalities and the people behind the posts, each and all searching for resolve and action to a scenario that should have been well rehearsed and prepared for decades earlier, the evident shortcomings of political madness due to the Austerity years and resulting national security suicide. Despite the human connection with these our nations brightest & best, the statistics and graphs, the slogans, Is the story as clear cut as described we silently ponder in dread.

The lockdown we would come to learn would not be easy for one and all, the loneliness of a year in isolation coming from the back of polarized times in a polarized world. We would witness, for many lockdown and isolation would be the most painful of tasks as the imbalances of this imperfect society of Modern Man would prove for many far more difficult than government or citizen could ever have predicted. In a time following economic depression and a decade of inhuman ruthlessly shortsighted social austerity measures to the backdrop of an unrelenting media culture driven only by consumerism and sale of unnecessary superficial goals, unsustainable products & Greed. The aftermath of recent politics and all too real social injustices are thrust from the shadows into the light of each life lived, no escape, no distraction only the sweet or bitter truth or location & personal circumstance. The lockdown for some a time of bitter sweet enjoyment the gift of time from routine and work yet to another the heaviest punishment, the painful emptiness of despair & burden found in the misfortune of timing of the ill prepared.

The effects of lockdown differs immeasurably for each individual depending on personal circumstances, despite this the people one and all tasked with the same task of social isolation. As a convict doing hard time for a crime once committed, whilst inside the harshest punishment dealt in today’s prison system for the unruly prisoner is social isolation, solitary confinement, now enforced upon the masses many people had never felt such punishment, the emptiness of isolation of self and uncertainty, the people no crime committed still perhaps not entirely blameless, the fallout of recent democratic decision by ballet box; Conservative leadership and the policy of Austerity, Trump, Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, Brexit? These decisions seemingly plummeting global society from stability into instability as the new dawn rises, we dread what else is to come as sleeping giants awaken.

One and all now swept by cause and effect, thrust into the moment, the routine collapsed one week into isolation, one month looking into the mirror of self with some tough questions to be answered of who am I, what am I, in the absence of the things I do? The most difficult of life’s Questions most deeply unsettling to an unprepared mind, to the young and the young at heart who find comfort in the crowd now alone or just them and their estranged closest family. Children whom they are not used to seeing and spending time with, the partners and relationships stable but void of real connection they but passing ships bound by tattered ropes of commitment connected by 5 night’s TV & sleep midweek and Saturday nights out, now forced together for time, habits and secrets unable to be held at bay the booze & drug user now exposed as addicts as they continue their destructive behaviors at home alone or with family, the excessive binge drinker stripped of social disguise, the recreational drug user turned addict still needing their fix in the absence of pub & club toilets, the heavy veil of false identity & false assumptions, the veil lifted so abruptly looking into the mirror of self, asking, who am I & who is this person that I thought I knew?

Then there are the hearts that miss another, a lover, a friend, a colleague, community instead stuck at home with partners and relationships that they only tolerate as a financial agreement having long lost all connection with one another. The truth of circumstance now revealed and unavoidable, deciding to start again and make things work or later after lockdown separating, months of lockdown enough to break struggling or shallow bonds as people aspire for more, for love, for happiness the revelation of life’s instability encouraging one and all to live their best life with or without the relationships & behaviors they began with.

The elderly or sick who don’t have time to waste a lifetime looking ahead to retirement and freedom now spent in lockdown, a year lost or years won all a matter of perspective yet the all too real negative effects of a year of isolation seen across the elderly, stealing mobility & life from them trapped in doors away from loved ones, the deterioration of ageing un-resisted in their isolation.

The very young locked down for a huge portion of their life experience to date spent in social isolation, missed time with grandparents and family. They old enough to comprehend exposed to fear and the uncertainty of life and experience sure to affect their whole life perspectives to follow. For parents the struggle of raising a young child, the single mums and dads with no support network to lean on and get that hour or two peace and rest, or a night of respite, loneliness, depression not a given but for the unfortunate parents with post maternal anxieties the lockdown an entirely different challenge.

The students who miss the coming of age moments from leaving primary or secondary school to end of year exams, the college and university students deprived of graduation or delivery of learning, the apprenticeships that never began. The social bonds experienced together meeting friends and partners as young people seemingly face little risk yet suffer the huge cost of lockdown, further exacerbated by the media who villainies the young for being young, a hatred and disrespect aimed at youth casting aspersions against an entire group of society with false narratives that all young people want is to get smashed and spread Covid, despite millions upon millions of young people strictly adhering to lockdown desperately worried about the lives of their parents and grandparents and their own futures in this time of fear & restraint.

The absence of the workplace, some rue the closures, the loss of control, the power of position stripped to nothing, status, objective, aims & goals, self-satisfaction gone, now meaningless against the objective of survival. The routine, stability and distraction of life removed. For another the absence of work offers the chance of escape free from the shackles of wage slavery for a few months, for many never afforded so much time not even as children the most time enjoyed 6 weeks over the summer now free to unwind and relax, to do time in whatever fashion they see fit exploring long lost passions and interests, reading, movie watching, feeling free for the first time despite the lockdown and all be it confined to home.

For many the lockdown opened truths to minds normally closed tight to the unpredictability & uncertainty of life instigating question after question, what am I doing with my life, the fear of the end of days, the vulnerability of existence the questions and deep thoughts avoided in the shallowness of routine & consumerism, the safety net of pub and clubs, sex & drugs, the banging nights. The shallow identities we make of ourselves when we are so much more, we are worth so much more. Identities formed by creative & clever yet unscrupulous marketing campaigns & advertisements relentlessly plugged into our minds from cradle to grave instigating our personalities to be formed on habit & addiction, football and sport addiction on pay per view TV instead of the pleasure of firsthand experience & participation, the daily ritual intake of giant overpriced coffee cups filled with hot milk to fast food & make up, clothing brands & overpriced restaurants, high end shopping our unsustainable throwaway lifestyles which pivot on each fashion season, made worthless overnight as the latest advertisement campaign drives home the next unneeded product of plastic, tech & chemicals all made in China and delivered direct to your front door. Package holidays & holiday plans which devour the days weeks and months between, the gift of life wiled away dreaming of false needs and wants, all at heaviest cost, the exchange of time locked in the necessity of wage slavery 50 weeks graft for a week or two in the sun, in the lockdown and abstinence of consumption revealing the emptiness of Modern life. For many thrust in front of the mirror of truth, a shocking revelation to “we” the committed disciples of Modern life’s meaninglessness. Revelations brought home too soon to unprepared minds, the short term challenge to survive, immediately the virus and then later, weeks into lockdown the unseen consequences of psychological trauma and the reflection of truth, of self and circumstance stripped bare of illusion and ego left instead with only self and circumstance, for many a feeling of emptiness that must be lifted from quickly or only cause more social decay in time to come.

In the lockdown sadly for some the task proves too much in their isolation finding only wrong answers of destructive thought choosing to release the suffering by the illusion of regained control with confused thoughts of desperation resulting in action of defiance, self-harm & suicide as some struggle and fall from the supporting hand of humanity opting out of this life by their own hand, every life lost to suicide the biggest tragedy of the time. Our unprepared nation succumbed to the force of the new scenario & events thrust upon us all, this psychological battlefield of self, mind, willpower & spirit and the very real physical threat & effects of virus.

In our own household we followed our orders and tried to embrace the lockdown as positively as possible over what could be our last month’s together at the end of days, at Armageddon’s door reading between the lines in this a time of human uncertainty. Our household family of four, two parents Mam & Dad and two children Son and Daughter young adult and mid teen, we thrown together and locked in within the fabric of our modest home & garden. To get through the ordeal we talked it through, hit the circumstances head on and openly discussed what we know or see to be happening around us, we shared our fears & decided to make a plan to pass the time positively, we made a routine, we walked everyday as a family as instructed abandoning the car we headed to the street paths and public walks on our doorstep, through the park along the river bank for the advised 1 hour yard break. As we walked we talked of the Virus and everything between, we connected as a family and reflected on our time together, old days out and holidays our favorite things and how to prepare and be strong in the face of adversity. We walked by empty shops and restaurants, the shocking site of a closed McDonalds and plummeting fuel costs told us the seriousness of the situation, the streets empty of cars fallen silent we saw urban wildlife and embraced the scenes we all too often rushed on by, our focus usually to the future instead slowed down and firmly restored to the small pleasures found in each day hour & moment. As we walked we visited family & friends from the distant isolation of a streets width, a wave from a window, a conversation, or connection at home via face time. Thankfully the Government and the frontline kept us well stocked with our utilities, food and water, beer and wine, toilet roll!! We all felt grateful to be British, to live in our first world, imperfect yet bountiful, free our lives before lockdown and still we reasoned during lockdown. Free to think and speak, to pick and choose how we live our lives and to change what we don’t like and aim for a future we choose for ourselves, be that embracing our consumerism and falling back into mindless yet blissful complacency of our old routines or motivating ourselves to be better, do more, to see more, to live more, to breath and learn lifelong lessons from recent events, lessons of the unrelenting speed of time and the unpredictable nature of life. At home as we always have done to continue to make the most of what we have, never living in the shadow of envy or desire, doing our own thing, all we need already in our arms & heart & lands.

As the days turned to weeks We watched Movies and TV together, we brought through our emergency chair to make ourselves comfortably cozy in our small living room taking in the escape offered through storytelling on film of lighthearted mood lifting comedies the warmth of the British Pub in Romesh’s Reluctant Landlord, Graham Norton from home and the shared isolation with some A list celebrity broadcast from their Mansion equipped with Olympic sized swimming pool and wellbeing centre whilst they attempt to convince us we are all in this together, yet still some element of connection exists in the face of Armageddon. The connection shared with our go to celebrities, these people and the roles they play, perhaps instead of trying to stay relevant they use their position of influence to reassure and fill the hearts and minds of the lonely with a feeling of community doing there bit as it were, as we all desire to do, to lift our fellow humans spirits and restore an ebb of normality raising moral as we did for a time across the streets of Britain from door steps each night rattling & beating pans with wooden spoons collectively at 8pm thanking the NHS but perhaps above all letting people along our streets know they are not alone in this that right then “we” are together as one.

As new content dried up we quickly went to the classics of yesteryear the side splitting humour of the most unlikely study group of Greendale College’s antics in “Community” to the older tv and film which hold their weight of human art and escapism into a world of fantasy and safety, of sofa adventures into unknown worlds once watched as children now watching with our own children, Star Trek Next Generation becoming crew of the USS Enterprise under the infallible just leadership of Captain John Luc Picard & the rest of the flight deck crew, to the guts and gore of Ripley and the Alien Saga’s to John Carpenters The Thing 1982 and Dustin Hoffman’s Outbreak any number of Stephen King adaptations The Stand and the Dead Zone, The X-files, the most poignant to the new reality we all now face, all having relatable content and highlighting the importance of the simple action of quarantine, justice & truth.

Away from TV & out on our 1 hours outdoor exercise, we planned meals and rationed our food trying to take less and waste less, we cooked together and cleaned together, we read books and made art and played video games, broke out old board games, practiced guitar and passed the days in lockdown with our cultural things, we slept, had day naps, the occasional late night and an hour extra in bed. We sat and ate meals together, we shared nights in with drinks of beer, wine and whiskey enjoyed in candle light and music or to the glow of HDTV and made home as cozy as we could until the welcome arrival of early warming spring sun. The season warmer than usual allowed us to head outside in the garden with the pleasure of sunbathing and bbq’s. Over time we reflected on the hardships faced by many, from those caught up in this right now on the Covid wards from patients to staff and the mourning families broken by virus. Beyond today we reflected on the times before now and the hardships of WW2 and before that WW1, the urban lives of Victorian Britain, but particularly the homefront and our ancestors time and sacrifice in the years of the 2nd world war, the ones who made it through to allow us to live and the ones lost to war death and destruction along with the offspring that died with them. So we celebrated VE day and paid our respects to a time in the near past so often moved aside by the daily pressures of life but this year in the year of 2020 75 years on we remembered them not in church or cenotaph but at home in heart and the spring garden, once again feeling connection to them in our period of social upheaval. We remembered them with homemade flags and bunting, afternoon tea and nighttime garden drinks celebrating what they once celebrated the weight of their sacrifice & suffering, their time of loss and joy brought home to us once more, in the year of Brexit and Virus we felt this real connection to the past, we had a taste of social upheaval & felt distinctly & proudly British.

As the lockdown continued we listened to our youngest the mouths of children which speak the truth and reflected on the world we want to leave behind for the generations that follow…if humanity makes it through this period of darkness. So we reflected on our tastes and consumerism and decided to be the change that we want to see embarking slowly on the path to change, starting with the way we live, changing what we eat for us all to survive in a better world tomorrow, making the switch and becoming pescetarians until a year later vegetarians the lockdown and virus instigating change, our year in isolation a time of reflection becoming more aware of our daily choices and the impact we have on the wider world, instead of waiting for change and blaming others being the change by changing what we can control, realizing our consumerism is power in times and stable society.

The lockdown not all a bed of roses financially the Governments furlough scheme and mortgage freezes ease any immediate concerns, the big drain and negative impact by fault of the holiday companies ruthless indifference to refunds and letting go of the ghost, reprehensibly bullish fear tactics forcing those with nothing, now reduced to 80% of their basic wage to hand over more money to a holiday that is never going to happen. We sometimes argued as we all got on top of each other hemmed into our modest home built for profit not for people, we argued as we unwound from the normal pressures of life, it taking a few weeks to let go of the everyday tenseness and problems all initially compounded by this new global event but over time fading to meaningless as we let go of day to day worries. Thankfully for the most part we got on, we remained positive and enjoyed our time so different to anything else experienced, so lucky to live here in the first world, on reflection not luck but a privilege earned by work and contribution by ourselves today and all of the generations before us.

As the lockdown came our son at first on furlough was then laid off as his workplace restaurant closed for good in his trade as a chef, we walked by the restaurant building each day which remains empty stripped of its kitchen and seating, along with another restaurant next door to it. His long-term relationship with his partner living in a different town miles away broken apart. From making a start in adult life and getting on his feet he plummeted to unemployment and single life once more, thankfully on universal credits, but with no jobs around for his skill set and instructed to stay home as a young man the time a tough one, but he stayed positive finished the NVQ training he was already enrolled on and then in September re-enrolled at college to further his skill set, on and off the college opened and closed throughout the lockdowns, yet he stuck with it and as restaurants slowly re opened he found a new job and finished his first year of college, remaining optimistic that the worst of these times are over, just eagerly awaiting, no, needing his favourite nightclub to re open for Saturday night socializing and freedom. He proving with perseverance & time things can get better, his new path set in front of him, we all hope restrictions will be pulled entirely allowing us to get on with our lives.

Our daughter home schooled at first given a liberal task of self-managing work load and in all honesty and credit to her thriving with the freedom to learn at her own pace, putting in maximum effort of intensive periods of work over morning and early afternoon, never working so hard, handing in work online and gaining positive feedback with the afternoons to enjoy at her leisure, playing guitar, making art, reading, relaxing, socializing via tech, perhaps a better way of learning and certainly the best way in lockdown, until this all changed and the mirror image of school controls were enforced upon her at home. The register returned as did learning at the classes pace, controlling time, rigid breaks instead of free thinking resorting back to the real purpose of school, obedience, you will learn when teacher tells you to learn, you will do what teacher tells you to do, think what teacher tells you to think, free learning over despite the distance of home, the control & power of position once more put in place resulting in the later months of home schooling dragging on, the freedom and personal responsibility removed back to mindlessly educated drones, experts at following, passing exams instead of free thought and self-learning. Although seemingly handled well, the time still a tough one without social interaction and leaving home along with the fear of the uncertain times and events transpiring. Until schools re opened and we worried of the illogic of social distancing on one hand we can’t live free yet on the other 1000 secondary school children are pushed back into overcrowded classrooms and the constrictively designed one block school buildings all and sundry under one roof of communal floor spaces and air conditioning, a sure incubator for viral spread one of many alarming contradictions ignored by all.

My wife as the rest of us isolated at home in the first months of lockdown as her nursery was closed, initially we were unsure if her nursery would remain open as a frontline service but thankfully not. Then it re opened whilst the work from home order remained and social distancing measures still pushed by the government with a stark message of comply of lockdown further. My wife and her colleagues had to return to work with some 30 or so 2 & 3 year old nursery children coming from all different family backgrounds and households, many I am sure follow the lockdown strictly yet it only takes one to be lax to the effort, children brought into nursery by parents who are virus deniers throughout the lockdown defying logic by mixing, socializing not increasing hygiene measures un-concerned by this made up problem as all congregate at the Nursery in the local Church hall, the deniers bringing their child into the nursery group ensuring all suffer the consequence of their selfishness and lack of care. We worried, my wife worried returning to work on how to social distance in this workplace of young children, an impossible task which proved so as an outbreak of Covid occurred within the nursery by early 2021 all staff testing positive the nursery closing after months uncountable far reaching spread, the opening of this setting as many others settings in direct contradiction of social distancing efforts.

I was one of the lucky ones who could work from home and continue to do so, a few weeks into the first lockdown my job as a manager to a construction contractor on multiple housing sites had slowly dried up as one by one the sites closed. At first some heated discussions with mindless managers who simply did not understand the gravity of this new reality we had all been thrust into and expected to just continue cracking the whip, the statement of the time from these sudden site manager come viral experts “its just a flu this, carry on” until the workplace ground to a halt at the PM’s broad instruction to Stay Home and protect the NHS which I and the rest of our household family followed to the letter. Despite some sites initially saying they would remain open, as the supply chain retracted and the workers stayed away, PPE became un available and above all the risk to the NHS was factored in it became untenable for business in this sector to remain open, above all as the workforce stayed home, sites responded locking their fences & battening down for closure other than those in the frontline sector of health care or maintenance as national production reduced to a skeleton shift, the country became still.

Furlough kicked in and I was placed on the scheme with a pay reduction and settled in to the first lockdown. After a period of time weeks into lockdown activity began to stir once more as sites began preparations to re-open the work load made a slow start but a start still, indicating that normality was due to return. The work task of the first lockdown adapting to new Government workplace policies as responsive planning tasks flowed in and my furlough was altered to part time whilst still working from home, as new Government workplace Safety requirements were published the industry began planning for and adapting sites to be “Covid safe” slowly business re opened and we began to filter lads to site until the time came for me to leave the safety of home and begin to mix on site. My own conscience & common sense told me to continue wearing a mask, social distancing and wash my hands, yet immediately the differences of free thought and opinion were clear as we began to re connect many had already had enough of social isolation and saw the return to work as been the end of the pandemic and immediately continued the normal ways and routines, some doing entirely the opposite of what is asked of them, personal protests to controls small acts of defiance which later only bring more controls and lockdowns. So I continued to work along with the majority of people trying to be considerate and conscientious and control my own behaviors to limit spread. Over time the office closed and desks cleared out, we continued to work from home as our conservatory became my workstation, files and folders, drawings my laptop all integrated to home office networks in these years of change in each room of the house my family doing the same all of us for a time working from home.

Before long it became clear the Health and Safety protocols meant to reduce spread and make places of work safe had quickly failed, people it became evident can’t socially distance effectively in day to day life settings of work and school let alone leisure settings, a truth no doubt already known to science, yet Government & business had to reopen or risk much bigger societal damage. As with all areas of our modern society above all we must look to be doing something from the later trend of taking a knee to the wearing of unnecessary PPE at work, the behaviors of the time remain the same in the face of pandemic instead of focusing and enforcing the exacting critical control measures that matter ie establishing a track and trace system and ensuring a virus free populous with functioning established controlled testing process in place, ensuring limited social contact, promoting airflow and good hygiene instead only bureaucracy & token gestures follow. As workplaces & education settings re open with no meaningful changes to reduce spread, by the leading hand of central government slogans of new speak, signs and propaganda become the norm. As are poster printing, spray paint and stencils all are used excessively to mitigate viral spread and British Industry follows the lead of Government & local authorities becoming bureaucratic monsters as the real madness begins with overzealous campaigns from the minds of middle management, not founded on scientific fact just the need to show willing and compliance. Empty controls and failed measures with the introduction of confusing totalitarian one way systems, sign upon sign upon sign upon sign, face masks and plastic screens, crosses on floor, gloves gowns and mass clean downs, children seated in 2m x 2m grids on the playground at breaktime, increased introduction of cleaning staff to stand by in toilets only exposing themselves to extreme risk. Worst of all lots of shouting, finger pointing and bullying witnessed from the supermarket to the pub, aggressive rude instructions in this age of planned antisocial behavior, resulting in people blaming people it’s the Pakistanis & Indians they say, no it’s the Eastern Europians, it’s the muslims, it’s the chinese, it’s the young people out on the piss all the time, it’s the factory workers, its all the fat bastards, all eager to apportion blame to one group or another & follow hatred whilst the simple objectives of social distancing are ignored including by those pointing the finger of blame. Ignorant to that little get together or rule break here and there, its not me I’m clean thinks everyone. One and all of us all the while willingly ignorant to the clearly counterproductive actions of re-opening of settings built for people to socialize from schools to pubs none designed with limiting viral spread in their brief.

I had often thought or imagined living through a time in the past, the great depression, the world wars & famine and wondered did the people back then know what was coming next as each event unfolded before them. In our time we have seen history unfold and felt the pulls of power, for me in my lifetime the 1980’s as a young child and the back end of the cold war, the fear of nuclear holocaust engrained in society as reflected and reinforced by the movies & tv of the time, leading to the breaking of the Berlin wall and the relief of a period of nuclear peace, the constant battles and wars of the middle east shown on the nightly news as a news reporter fills our black and white tv screens with trails of rocket and mortar fire lighting up the night sky and silhouette of darkened city buildings by daylight reduced to rubble, stories of pride and horror of the Falklands war and WW2 from childhood friends parents and relatives onwards to the advent of the Gulf war. I recalled the time as huge Hercules planes flew low over our catholic school playing fields whilst we played cuppies & heads and volleys, a load of secondary school kids waving excided arms to birds of war as they head out to Iraq. I recalled the Bombs of the IRA on civilians and shopping centres in Manchester & London bomb threats and lockdowns to a complex problem beyond my understanding at the time Britain at war within itself the troubles across in Ireland on the nightly news of orange parades, IRA hits and British soldiers lining the streets of Belfast. Until that mournful day the world changed forever on the dawn of September 11th and the twin towers & wider plane attacks, this time not a near miss but the largest civilian terror attack ever witnessed. This declaration of modern war not fought by Armys but by small groups of people breaking the veil of gentlemanly human behaviors and the ensuing responsive war on terror that followed with Gulf war mark 2 and another crack at Afghan occupation. Followed by the credit crises and the rise of our own time of economic depression, the London bombings, the unforgiveable cowardly inhuman crime against Lee Rigby and the Manchester arena attacks, wikileaks & the Salisbury poisonings, all of which although terrible and shocking seemingly a million miles away from our homes and our day to day lives until now and the time of Virus & Covid 19, as history is happening in our home and all homes, these events not seen since WW2 and the blitz as every walk of society is thrown into history in this period of change and instability, history far from finished with us.

The year was lost we thought at time, in the darkest side of our reasoning maybe humanity was lost, yet looking back now at memories and photos we still lived and enjoyed our time even if in the face of uncertainty and suffering, possibly facing the end, still we lived. Grateful to our government and our fellow humanity for keeping life going, despite our criticisms for one thing or another thankfully the wheels never fell off and societal structure remained. So we lived both during in the repeated lockdowns and restriction of our freedom and in the times between lockdowns when allowed free movement once more, following advice and common sense we remained local, bound to home & to Britain, in fact for 18 months never leaving our home county of Yorkshire. We still had a few holidays, staycations as they are now known without the excitement of jetplanes and ferries and all of the exposure risks that follow and yet at home the holidays and the time together no less valid, the luxury of a holiday barn near the lovely picturesque town of Silsden near Ilkley became our main holiday with early morning summer walks amongst beautiful natural scenery of Malham Tarn, Ilkely Moor and the farm and woodland near our holiday place were in afternoon and early evenings we relaxed by the warmth of a log fire which heated a Swedish hot tub to float and unwind forgetting the stress and strains of the times. In between work at weekends Day trips to the sea side, country walks, nighttime visits to Whitby to avoid the crowds, a B&B and pub crawl around the harbor. Another weekend getaway to a cottage in the countryside, a caravan break along the Yorkshire coast at Cayton Bay with sunset walks around Scarborough, a visit to the local theme park & zoo of Flamingo Land and many other days and nights in the garden and Yorkshire Wolds, home cooking and happy summer evenings of drink and bbq’s despite the threat of Virus, death and lockdowns we still lived and enjoyed our time, we shouldn’t be guilty of that in these months and years of what could still be our last.

Until Autumn fell once more and we celebrated from home Halloween and Bonfire night this bonfire night like none seen before with the loudest and brightest fireworks echoing and lighting the lockdown night skies. Leading onto the harsh winter of 2020/2021 our first locked down Christmas and the long dark months afterwards.

We isolated several times being ill at the start of the control measures with no testing available we did our first 14 day isolation before the lockdown began, it wouldn’t be the last time as again later as the testing became available and track & trace app told us to do so, each time we did so strictly. As symptoms for every day colds and illness resulted in requirement of pcr tests the symptoms of virus so varied even with no symptoms at all, so as told we visited the massive drive through test and trace centre with winding one ways systems, checkpoints and viral controls like something from an end of days Horror sci-fi movie as the nation, “we” included, gave up our genetic information with a throat and nose swab. Balking as the swab hits your tonsils for 10 seconds of so, eyes running and the swab is then inserted up your nostril and twizzled around by a volunteer dressed in head to toe PPE with your head half sticking from your car window, they out in the open air under a fine mist of disinfectant spray, then waiting for a few days in isolation for the results to follow via email or text message. Thankfully coming back negative until in early 2021 positive, despite our isolation & efforts to clean hands and wear face coverings, we eventually returned to work and school and before long we had a positive reading in our household for the Virus. My wife Testing positive for Covid 19 as the unwanted result came through to our phones I recalled seeing Putin dressed in a bio hazard suit on the nightly news at the beginning of the pandemic, this world leader who portrays an image of strength and bravery to be dressed in this suit of protection reinforced to all the danger of the virus and seriousness of the situation. My wife now testing positive for Covid 19 within our very household we knew we had more than likely had the virus circulating in our every cells, how would we fare up, as the fear hit home, all we can do is hope.

The virus affected my wife differently to the rest of us, she suffered aches & pains, difficulty breathing and a lack of energy, compounded by fear, upset she cried in pain and anguish but we didn’t do as told & send her off to a lonely bedroom to lay down and live or die, we reasoned living together we would all already be infected, inner household spread the true catalyst for transmission, instead we kept to our own four walls and did what humans do we stayed together, if one goes down we all go down. None of us would be alone as long as that remained our choice we are family we are human and as so we followed our hearts, defying instruction and instead following our human instincts, there are things more important than fear and dying, love and togetherness being one of them, thankfully she made it through, we all made it through but unknown the long-term effects to us of this exposure, highly likely not the first or last time we would feel its effects.

For the rest of us the virus mild, although the after affects seemed long lasting, never feeling so sick on and off, so drained with altered perception to light and sound, aches and pains which disappear and then return, perpetuation of viral effects over and over again, life not the same since infection for me & my wife, energy drained, my joints creak and click, stiffening of hip, knees and wrists a feeling of weakening, months later a feeling that this thing was beating us down. Until vaccination day vaccine arrives and we take the plunge strangely feeling better only days later, imagined? Until weeks later stomach upset and aches and pains, could this be caused by the vaccine, no one asked, no one follows up on people.

Astra Zeneca, Moderna, Pfizer these words as alien to us as Covid 19, lockdown and social distancing were only a year earlier, now become the talk of the century, the vaccines perhaps the last vestige of hope for humanity. Reading between the lines the speed of the vaccine rollout tells its own story, a vaccine which would usually take 10 years to come to market is ready and in global circulation within a matter of months. In the absence of any criticism from Government or Media we made a conscious decision to have faith in science and the medical field, faith in our Government & its advisors by allowing this ground breaking never used before MRNA altering vaccine to be injected straight into our blood streams. A do or die decision a roll of the dice in favour of faith in our humanity and science, all aboard the vaccine train, once injected no going back.

At first Astra Zeneca would be the vaccine then weeks later flipped to Pfizer as Astra Zeneca carries a higher risk of blood clotting for younger age groups, a fact only discovered as more and younger age groups were injected and fell sick or died. The poor people who died from the cure that would have survived the virus is a travesty of wilful neglect, medical science unlike with “we” the everyday laymen should be a measured decision not based on hope or faith but facts, with all knowing the risk to them and having time to reason the gamble before injection time. Hopefully the dice rolled not purely due to economic factors & instead due to the real acute need and danger we all face as the virus circulates and evolves in its life cycles?

I am sure everyone has fare doubts, yet few dare speak them, questions or casting doubt against the vaccine, the media, or in private conversation none speak of the fear and anxiety that is reasonable to any mind guided by reason, truth and logic. The tough questions asked by no one, is this vaccine safe? Are we 100% sure before a species wide roll out is undertaken? Unknown are the human variables of personal health, medication & situation no blood checks or health monitoring carried out just a blanket rollout, silence befalls us. Any criticism and fare challenge is quickly scowled at and put to the talk of madmen of flat Earthers & crackpot conspiracy nuts. In the same way no one dares explore the idea that this virus is a manmade weapon or bio leak, a reasonable question given these unstable times and global events yet the topic is taboo, as the vaccine doubts & caution too are a taboo subject. In this silence a fear exists unwritten and unreported but exists still.

Maybe the same fear that swept Germany at the arrival of the Nazi party, or the time just before the anti-Semitic atrocities began. This silent doubt that things might not be ok, but the silence so powerful no one dare be the voice that asks the fair and reasonable question, is the vaccine safe? Political leaders eager to please and secure this miracle cure, none wants to be the unpopular voice, the party pooper. Our media and news outlets owned by the very businesses that are strangled of commerce by lockdowns, ambitions of news reporters reliant on normality re commencing to break their own stories and make their mark on history & the media platforms all reliant above all on life returning to normality. None want to prolong lockdowns by fairly or unfairly scrutinising and criticising the vaccine rollout and picking the bones of this new medicine or perhaps at the worst scenario unable to by order, if this is a time when freedom of speech comes second to vaccination at any cost then we should all be wary of what may follow. Although we all hope for this miracle wonder vaccine to cure us, the virus, if what we are told is in fact truth is of the common cold family of viruses which are untreatable by vaccine as they mutate so often.

We all hope the vaccines are safe and above all work, but as with the tech of the day used by the masses few including Government leaders have no real understanding of what we are about to inject into our bodies as a species, this the first MRNA vaccine that explores change in our very core of being & the message of life & self as we step once more into the unknown future, as the nuclear age did decades earlier humanity steps once more into the territory of God & nature, these systems of life billions of years in the making that are perfect to sustain us, altered forever by our human ego, all we can do now is hope.